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I was engaged to a Japanese national who was working in London, UK and we were planning on getting married. Her mom was not too happy with her marrying a gaijin. When she was 20 weeks pregnant, we separated because I wronged her (not infidelity or abuse) (although she did wrong me but to lesser degree) and she left for Japan. We spent time over email to try to resolve our issues, although my pleas to try to resolve this face to face (I was willing to travel to Japan to see her) was refused. We have not been able to resolve these differences as email is just not a great medium for something as serious as this.

When she gave birth (I pleaded with her to let me attend the birth but she refused) and our baby daughter is now 20 days old, I had no right to helping chose her name nor visitation rights or even be able to web cam to see her.

I know in future as my little daughter grows up, I will be denied visitation or verbal rights to speak to her. My ex-fiancee is afraid of her mom and her mom has forbidden all contact with me.

I pleaded with her to let children come first and separate our relationship issues from the baby. Regardless of who was right or wrong or even if we do not resolve our relationship issues, I felt that a child should be given access to both parents and a father should not be denied visitation rights.

My ex-fiancee's mom has already taken on my daughter as her own and will not allow her to go anywhere.

I just felt that whatever wrongs I have made in the relationship, a father should have the right to visit his own flesh and blood on moral and just simple decency sake. A child should grow up knowing both parents, so the articles on Parental Alienation Syndrome resonates with me.

I have been paying her 3,000 a month for the past year and will continue to pay this amount for the rest of my life and beyond, should anything happen to me (pension/investments/savings/insurance) as I do not want my daughter to be deprived of anything.

My ex-fiancee says that I am not fit to be a father to my daughter but I felt that she has no right to make that judgment as she has done many things in the past (drugs etc) to make that judgment.

I hope someone neutral in this messageboard can tell me I am not unreasonable in asking for just visitation rights? I pine and yearn for my little one so much as it just kills me when I know she will grow up without knowing me and I fear my ex-fiancee will just disappear on me as I know she will.
Posted By:
jabriaw (9 posts)
12/21/2008 5:24:58 AM
re: Heartbroken   profile
1. You (we) must have faith that we will somehow, someway see our children again. I can tell by this post that you are a good man and you are trying (tried) to do right by this woman, who obviously has some sort of infantile like dependence on her mother.

2. You are a very generous man. 3000 pounds per month! You might want to start playing hardball - no child, no money. Look, no matter how much you give it will NEVER be enough and I'm sorry to tell you this, but your child will NEVER know who it comes from. Stop paying that money NOW. Instead, put it in a trust fund for your daughter so that one day (and that day WILL come) when you can give it to her and explain everything to her.

3. YOU ARE NOT UNREASONABLE. You are that child's father and you are pleading to be in her life. Unfortunately there are so many men out there (I know some and you probably do, too) who wouldn't give a damn. The fact that you want to be there for your child and that you love your child beyond all else is a testament to your love for her.

4. As hard as this sounds - you must now start TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. You must dig down deeper than you ever have and try to find strengh to keep moving forward in your life.

5. You WILL SEE YOUR DAUGHTER. No matter how hard her mother and her evil (sick) grandmother try to prevent this, they will not be able to prevent your daughter from wondering about you, from wanting to know you, and for wanting to know the TRUTH about who you are. Moreover, your heart beats in hers, your blood flows in hers and your SOUL is intertwined with hers. She is going to find you if you don't find her first. That cannot be denied, hidden or changed by anyone or anything...and that day will come for you (and me, too).
gghwgg (5 posts)
12/23/2008 6:18:31 PM
re: Heartbroken   profile
Thanks jabriaw for the morale support...but it has been hard...

My ex-fiancee was brought up by a single mom who had an affair with a married man who abandoned them (at least thats the "story" as told by her mom) and she has grown up not wanting to nor interested in finding out who her dad is...My fear is that my baby daughter will grow up to be "brainwashed" like that into either not caring or hating me...

I have been consumed with finding out all I can about gaining at least visitation rights (I am not even asking for shared custody, although that would be a dream and I would give her anything to have us back together, at least then my daughter can grow up well balanced.) but as a gaijin and a man, not only is Japanese society and cultural norms against me but so are the courts....

Seems hypocritical (and in fact a breach of the spirit) that the Japanese Government has signed and ratified the United Nations Convention for the Rights of the Child which not only recognises the rights of a child but under Article 9 that a child has the right to see both parents, even if they are divorced or separated, EXCEPT if the child has been abused or badly treated. And yet Japanese society does not recognise the rights of a child, the child's rights being taken over by the family. And the family courts are biased against gaijin spouses and especially men...(guess the society's "deal" is that the man disappears without paying child support and as part of that "deal", the man has no links to the child whatsoever). But what about the gaijin's?

I have also been researching on family law cases and found that family courts take the view that the japanese child is best served by being cared for and raised in japan by the female spouse. Kind of makes me wonder what they mean by the japanese child, because the child is part japanese and part foreign and surely japanese blood does not take precedent over other nationalities!

FRIJ recommends you also visit crn japan, who are fighting international abduction to Japan and working to assure children in Japan of meaningful contact with both parents regardless of marital status